matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
