Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
