dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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