drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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