Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
