So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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