Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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