Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
