nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
