all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
