you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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