your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
