found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
