Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
you inspire me to be a worse person
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
