think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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