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she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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