When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
