out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
