This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
