Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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