By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
