Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
