I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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