just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
