What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
