So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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