Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
