my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
