my soul wont recognize me after tonight
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
