I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I want a musical about memes.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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