I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
