I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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