Your favorite bartender is back from prision
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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