remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Terrible idea I love it
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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