and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
