ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
