i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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