and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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