May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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