there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
