I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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