I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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