I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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