I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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