I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
