actually, I'm a sock model
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
