I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
