I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Your cock deserves a montage
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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