I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
