Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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