do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
