DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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