you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
