i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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