dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
