why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
