I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
