Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
