God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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