I am spending my child support on dildos
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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