Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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