hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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