If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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