if you like me you must not know who I am
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
